Introverts

I am an introvert. I’ve known that for a long time, but a recent book I read (a very introverty way to learn, by the way) revealed much I didn’t realize about introversion and how thoroughly I fit the mold. So, for my extrovert (and introvert) friends, here are some things you should know.

1. Introverts don’t need to be fixed. Western culture tends to value extroversion. (Can you name one introvert we’ve recently elected to political office?) The outgoing, gregarious, aggressive individual is the one who succeeds (or so we believe). Although an introvert may sometimes envy the ease with which an extrovert socializes, introversion is not a psychological disability.

2. Extroverts gain energy from social interactions; introverts are drained by social interaction. Introverts need alone time to recharge. One introvert observed, “If we leave a party early, it’s not because we’re party poopers. We’re just pooped. Socializing takes a lot out of us.” Another noted, “We don’t need alone time because we don’t like you. We need alone time because we need alone time. Don’t take it personally.” Another added, “To live as an introvert in a world dominated by non-introverts is to recognize that most everything is a trap. There is an ongoing effort to suck the energy out of you. That is key to understanding introverts: while extroverts gain energy from human interactions, introverts expend energy during these interactions. For us, that energy is rarely regained in sufficiently equal amounts.”

3. Introverts hate small talk. Small talk is the hardest form of communication for an introvert. An introvert needs a reason to talk. Introverts like deep conversations one-on-one or in small groups about topics that interest them. One writer noted, “If you're giving energy in a social situation, the most rewarding scenario will be one with purpose, one after which you feel as if you learned something substantial or made a real connection. With chit-chat, the gutter level of conversation, it’s hard to transcend surface interactions, an utterly depleting experience for introverts.”

4. Extroverts think by talking; introverts think before talking. (This is why, one writer contends, a meeting of extroverts never lasts less than six hours!) Extroverts learn through trial and error. Introverts learn through observation. Introverts want to have a thorough understanding of an issue before voicing an opinion. Someone observed: “The extrovert doesn't know that if an introvert isn't talking, they are still thinking.” Introverts may appear clueless. In reality, they are probably processing information and the environment of the moment. Introverts tend to be aware of the feelings of others present and will likely be direct but tactful when they do speak.

5. Introverts are friendlier than they appear to be. Introverts are not arrogant. Introverts love people, they just don’t feel the need to be around them all the time. Introverts are not likely to circulate at a social gathering, introducing themselves to everyone. They prefer to get to know others through observation first. One introvert shared that “there really is no better puzzle than a human being, which is another reason we like to observe from a distance. Interacting with a person does tell you quite a bit, but because you have to interact, you lose focus on observing.”

One more insight: “We love to party just as much as the next guy. If by party, you mean crack open a laptop/book/magazine in a comfy chair. Because that’s what we mean by ‘party.’” So, feel free to invite me to your next gathering. But please don’t be offended if I sit in a corner with my Kindle app and regard the rest of you from across the room!



Check out Dr. Carmella’s Guide to Understanding the Introverted!
Here is an excellent TED Talk on the topic.