Conference survival guide

I’m leaving in the morning for a computer educator’s conference. I only attend one or two conferences a year, but over time that’s added up to quite a few, making me something of an expert on how to successfully navigate such an event. Here are my strategies.

1. Dress casually. My younger colleagues give me incredulous looks when I tell them there was a time I wouldn’t dream of wearing anything less than a coat and tie to a conference. The one I’m attending tomorrow is advertised as “business casual.” To a teacher that means one thing: jeans.
2. Leave at least 15 minutes earlier than you think you need to. You will make at least one wrong turn. When you walk into your first session 15 minutes late, everyone will turn and stare and have one of two thoughts: “They made a wrong turn,” or “They should have skipped the line at Starbucks.”
3. Use this foolproof method to choose your workshop sessions: Cut apart your conference guide. Without looking, pick one piece. Attend this session. Session descriptions never match the actual content. Save yourself the time and agony of poring over the list.
4. Prepare for session envy. If you ignored Number 3 and actually believed the description you were reading, you will be disappointed. Your friend who attended the one with the bland description, however, will declare it to be “the best one I’ve ever attended.”
5. Sit near the back/front. You have a decision to make here. If you’re young and still have 20/20 vision, sit near the door so you can escape unnoticed when the session proves to be worthless. (If you leave early enough, you can slip into another session, in which case another option may be added to Number 2 above, “Their other session was a dud.”) If you’re my age, sit near the front so you can actually see the presentation. (If the presenter has to say, “I know those of you in the back can’t see this,” why didn’t they just make it BIGGER to begin with?)
6. Pick up all the free vendor goodies you can. Yes, you will soon recognize them for the useless trinkets they really are, but you can relish the few moments when they still feel like treasures. (The ones with the little chocolate bars are the best.)
7. Attend the luncheon. You’ve already paid for it, and usually it’s pretty good. If not, it’s a good conversation starter. During the last ten minutes of the keynote speech, when the speaker has stopped saying anything of value and is determined to make you late to your next session, you can check messages on your phone.
8. Park strategically. Friday, 3:00: everyone will be rushing for the exit at once. Be ready!

These are the suggestions of a veteran conference attendee. Disregard them at your own peril!